These are my favorite... I had to post a few good ones :)
(860): i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
(501): he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake.
(302): It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
(904): i love how i spend my morning exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
(712): He just asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
(585): are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
(412): dude... you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were the fire marshall of your boy scout troop
(831): I just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
(605): I have seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
(320): I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle moniter. The weird ones always find me.
(506): It was better than the time I puked and forgot to open the lid for the toilet.
(843): happy early father days!!!
(829): im not a father
(843): about that...
(630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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